Beloved Max, the “Terminally Stupid” Dog

Beloved Max, the “Terminally Stupid” Dog

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Please don’t take this story the wrong way – you’ll have to have a good sense of humor and not be overly sensitive to appreciate this.  Now of course, EVERY dog deserves to be loved and treated with dignity, but it’s a simple truth – not all of them can be geniuses.  Some of them are just hopelessly dopey, which makes them all the more endearing…

Please be advised, there is some adult language on this post.

This reddit thread comes from another story we recently posted, the one about the husky who got stuck in the couch.  The comments are quite amusing…

inmyotherpants79  – I had a beagle. He was stupid. When I say he was stupid I don’t mean he did stupid things. I mean… Max was terminally stupid.

Max loved his cat, Bacon.  Bacon tolerated Max but also knew Max was terminally stupid. Bacon learned that Max would chase him pretty much anywhere, so he would run and hide in places Max couldn’t reach. Max would run full speed into the obstacle and get stuck. Every. Fucking. Time. Bacon would sit there and smack him on the snout until he started whining. I would eventually stop laughing long enough to extricate the dog, pat him on his terminally stupid head, and send him on his way.

I knew I would hear the same thunk, smack smack smack smack, whine in five minutes.

[–]quantumchaos –  please tell me you recorded this at least once lol

[–]inmyotherpants79 – There’s a video somewhere on an old hard drive. This was in the long ago before smart phones were prevalent.

[–]quantumchaos – BRING US THE POTATO… please

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I WILL DO MY BEST… maybe. I’m pretty lazy and just had steak for lunch so I got the itis.

EDIT: Guys… I think the video was on a drive that got fried.

[–]not_old_account – My dorms don’t have power atm so I’m stuck on my phone in the dining hall, tied to the wall by my charger.

Plz, this video will make it all worthwhile.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

[–]jacqueefah – Did you leave it in your other pants?

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker  – That picture proves that we are not dealing with a Rhodes Scholar here.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Yeah. My elderly grandma thought it was hilarious to decorate him for Christmas. The walleyed stare just makes it better.

Just to let you know how stupid Max was:

He ate a beer can.

Frequently inhaled while drinking and would choke.

Fell off the bed while lost in a blanket and ruptured his spleen. He almost died.

He ate rat poison (we don’t know where he got it). He almost died.

He ate roofing slate.

He ate a 6’x6′ section of carpet and padding. Twice.

He ate a jar of peanut butter. No. I don’t mean he chewed the lid off the jar. He ate all but a small bit of the jar.

He got a bottle of Ibuprofen and ate six pills. He almost died.

He ate a seat belt.

He ate a windowsill.

He got lost in a walk-in closet. Repeatedly. I had to rescue him from the open closet on a daily basis.

He frequently would walk into the sliding glass door, sit down, shake his head, and then try again. Over and over until you opened it for him.

He ran in terror if the curtains moved.

He would fart in his sleep and wake up in a start. Then he would spend five minutes searching for whatever demon had made the noise.

[–]SteakAndBake0 – Max is the Kevin of the dog world.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

[–]inmyotherpants79 – He really was.

[–]Jonathan_the_Nerd  – He got lost in a walk-in closet. Repeatedly.

I just spit Coke on my keyboard. I hope you’re happy.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – It’s not even a big closet! 6′ by 5′

[–]DuplexFields – It’s smaller than the carpet!

Twice!

[–]Alan_Smithee_  – “That dog ain’t right, I tell you hwat.”

……………………………………………………………………………………..

[–]BorisBC – He ate a seat belt.

I was holding it together till here. But this is where I lost it!

[–]inmyotherpants79 \– We were taking him to the lake with the other two dogs for the weekend. All was going well and we stopped at McDonald’s halfway there for their traditional ice cream cone. I turn to feed each one their cone and there he was, chowing down on a seat belt.

[–]Theory5 – He got a bottle of Ibuprofen and ate six pills. He almost died.

Hey, what a coincidence! I nearly die when I take Ibuprofen too!

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Are you saying you’re a beagle?

[–]Theory5 – No, we just share similar allergies apparently. I’ve never eaten a windowsill.

[–]Obi_Wan_Benobi – At least he was entertaining. Smart dogs just obey everything.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – No… No they don’t. My Rottie mix my husband and I adopted is smart. He knows how to unzip bags, open drawers and the fridge, and he frequently tries to open the front screen door to let his girlfriend in the house.

[–]Obi_Wan_Benobi – Shhh. I was trying to make him feel better.

[–]wartzilla – I hope this dog didn’t breed.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Oh sweet jeebus no. We had him neutered as soon as we could after I… liberated him from his previous owner.

[–]mynameispointless – Is no one going to question this?

[–]lannvouivre – I thought my old cat, Potter, was dumb. Max makes him look smart.

I bet Max was sweet. Potter was the sweetest, calmest idi–I mean, cat, that I ever had.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Max was hands-down the sweetest and most loving dog I have ever owned. Oh, you’re sick? He’ll curl up on your pillow and rest his head by yours. Oh, you’re drunk and can’t find your bed? He’ll finish that beer and keep you company until you both sober up. (No worries, he never drank that much.)

[–]lannvouivre – Potter started sleeping leaned against the pillow pretty quickly (for him) after I started going to sleep hugging him. Was always there if I was sad, or happy, or sleeping, or just breathing. All the other cats loved him because all he did was sleep and be warm.

He’d also walk up to them and duck his head in their faces so they’d bathe him. He was a player. It was probably the only intelligent thing he ever did.

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker – From some of your testimony I am wondering if Max had a vision problem. My friend has a beagle that is fully blind.

[–]thenerdyglassesgirl – Max sounds like my old beagle-Basset, Al. Al once ate an entire chicken leg, bone and all. Al also got his head stuck in a measuring cup once because he was trying to lick out all of the contents. Al also fell for the pretending-to-throw-the-ball gag EVERY TIME. We also had a cockatiel at the time and Al would ALWAYS forget the bird was actually alive and alert and would screech at him if he got too close.

I think it’s a beagle thing. Beagles aren’t the most intelligent creatures.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Beagles: They aren’t dumb, exactly. They just aren’t smart.

[–]shadyslims – Serious question… Did you like never feed this dog?

[–]inmyotherpants79 – You’ve never met a beagle, have you? Beagles are dog-shaped black holes where an endless supply of food (and non-food) goes. They will eat anything if it stays still long enough.

[–]reddog323 – This is adorably hilarious. The inhaling while drinking and farting in his sleep got me good.

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker – Max basically water-boarded himself every time he drank water.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – The dog needed a helmet to protect what was functional in his brain.

[–]reddog323 – Agreed. Or maybe a transplant of a better one…

[–]Sepherchorde – Please make /r/TalesOfMax and share with us!

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I’m too lazy. I get all my karma from commenting. Linking is for people with energy and ambition. It’s the same with modding.

[–]surfertay7 – I have a tear from each eyeball coming down my face because of Max’s shenanigans.

[–]Christ_on_a_Crakker – God damn Max.

[–]getsomeawe – Awwww. I also had a lemon beagle named Max.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I’d love to have another lemon beagle but all beagles get snatched up quick at our shelters.

[–]getsomeawe – Truth. One thing I notice is that (in my area at least) the basset rescue gets a lot of beagles/beagle mixes, it’s where I got my Max It might be something to look into, the other hound dog type rescue centers.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – I live in a tiny rural area (my town only has 146 people) that has a massive hunting culture. Any dog that’s a hunting breed gets snatched up quickly.

[–]captaindragoon – I read “I had a bald eagle” and I was both confused and amused at the rest of the comment.

[–]immortalreploid – Cats are awesome.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – Bacon was a pretty awesome cat who was brought up from the basement during a storm by Max. My old GSD mix, Katie, immediately thought he was her pup and raised him like a dog.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The chihuahua, Morgan? Hated him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

[–]immortalreploid – That’s awesome! Bacon can take the Chihuahua, I assume.

[–]inmyotherpants79 – No. The chihuahua was fearsome and evil. The ancient hagbeast known as Miss Kitty was the only thing the chihuahua feared.

[–]immortalreploid – Your animals must be really entertaining.

Original post:  https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/3z57eg/ive_made_a_huge_mistake/

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